Is the Secret to a Happy Relationship Not Living Together… Ever?

It took me five years to move in with my now-husband, and during that time, I lost count of how often we were pestered over our uncommon choice to live separately. I didn’t know it then, but we were unwittingly doing something TikTok now calls “living apart together” (LAT). While it was a phase for my partner and me, married and unmarried couples everywhere have embraced the lifestyle wholeheartedly.

There are countless videos of couples touting the perks of LAT, so I set out to investigate why, and more importantly, how people are doing it. Ahead, everything you need to know about living apart together, including why people are doing it, how it’s different from dating, the benefits along with the downsides, and how to know whether or not LAT is for you.

What is “living apart together,” and why are people doing it?

Cohabitation is off the table with living apart together relationships. Rather, you share a life together without sharing a home. While this admittedly goes against everything we’ve been taught about the natural progression of serious relationships, it can actually be beneficial for couples. Certified Sex Therapist Casey Tanner explained in a TikTok video that people in LAT relationships “say that living apart honors their individuality, honors their independence, and actually leads to them fantasizing about the relationship more.” Unsurprisingly, this can help keep the spark and passion alive since you’re not bogged down with the mundane duties of shared domesticity.

How is LAT any different than dating?

If you think living apart together is just another fancy word for dating, trust me when I tell you I thought the same thing. But Digital Creator and Negotiator Joanna Dahlseid—who’s been an outspoken champion for LAT—says that they’re two different things completely. She explained in this TikTok that when you’re dating someone, there’s an expectation that the relationship will progress. Typically, this means eventually moving in together, getting married, and so forth.

In contrast, “living apart together is a relationship setup where your end goal is to not move in together, or at least for the foreseeable future,” Dahlseid said. Essentially, it’s a committed long-term relationship built around the premise that you’ll live in separate houses. You’re still partners, albeit without living together.

How do relationships benefit from LAT?

It spices things up

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and according to Jeff Guenther, LPC, that rings true for LAT relationships. “Living apart can turn up the heat because you’re not always around each other, so everything feels a bit more special,” Guenther explained in a TikTok video. Plus, there’s a factor of unpredictability that comes with living separately. Falling into a routine is natural when you live with someone, but this setup allows for more flexibility and changes in your routine; you’re not stuck doing the same thing day in and day out with your partner.

It gives you more time for yourself

I think we can all agree that carving out time for yourself is easier said than done. This is especially true when cohabiting with your partner because you unconsciously focus on them and their needs when you should be focusing on your own. Does their laundry need to be switched over? Are they running out of body wash? Blah, blah blah. But this is where the beauty of a LAT relationship comes in. According to Guenther, your “me time” is already counted for with this setup; you don’t have to carve out time to give yourself special attention or tend to your needs. “It’s a relief not having to consider your partner all the time,” he said.

“Living apart can turn up the heat because you’re not always around each other, so everything feels a bit more special.”

Dahlseid echoes this, saying that living separately from her partner lets her maintain her independence and focus on herself first and foremost. She explained that while she and her partner spend time together when she doesn’t have her children, she still has days to herself. “And then on my parenting time, I’m mainly mom and I’m doing my business… and I live my life and we [me and my partner] talk on the phone,” she said.

You’ll likely argue with your partner less

While conflict is practically unavoidable in all relationships, couples are less likely to argue if they’re living apart. This is because there are inherently fewer things to argue about; you’re not fighting over who’s taking the trash out, keeping the other up late, or leaving dirty dishes in the sink—and you sure as hell don’t have to fight over how you’re going to decorate your space. “You get your space just the way you like it, making the time you spend together more about fun and less about chores,” Guenther said.

Can LAT potentially cause relationship turmoil?

The relationship will suffer without strong communication

When discussing the downsides of LAT, Dahlseid explained that, for her, the communication aspect is the biggest one. Because this setup typically involves going long periods of time without seeing each other, staying on top of your communication—texting, talking on the phone, and FaceTiming regularly—is vital. “The communication [needed] to stay connected takes a lot of effort,” Dahlseid explained. It’s not something you can skate with; you have to make it a priority and put your all into it.

You have to schedule time together

According to Dahlseid, actually scheduling time to be together is another downside of this dynamic. Unsurprisingly, this can get stressful, especially if you have conflicting job schedules or lifestyles. You still get to see each other, albeit sporadically, even with opposing schedules and lifestyles since you’re sharing a home; you’ll likely run into one another in the morning, at bedtime, or throughout the day. But you don’t get this luxury if you’re living separately. Instead, you have to actively seek out and carve out time to be with one another. Plus, this can also create a lot of anxiety over when you’re going to see each other again, which in turn might cause unwanted tension in the relationship.

“You get your space just the way you like it, making the time you spend together more about fun and less about chores.”

It can be costly

Even without the current astronomical cost of living, LAT can be costly—especially for married couples who are sharing finances. “LAT relationships come with the financial challenge of maintaining two households. For many couples, this option is simply not feasible,” Dr. Robert Riordan tells Brides. Instead of pooling your resources together, you’re allocating them toward an extra rent or mortgage payment each month.

Too much absence isn’t always a good thing

Likewise, Dr. Riordan also explained to Brides that too much distance might inadvertently cause more pain. “When we are deeply in love, we want physical proximity to the object of our desire. Distance from the object of our affection can stir up jealousy, insecurity, and loneliness,” Dr. Riordan said. When this happens, you or your partner might find yourselves seeking connection elsewhere with someone closer to you; you might unwittingly drive yourselves apart by placing distance between the two of you.

So, can living apart together make your relationship better?

If you’ve cohabited with partners in the past without success, LAT might be right for you. However, if you’re on the fence, there are some things to take into consideration. First, think about what your ideal relationship looks like and what sharing a life means to you. Does this mean sharing a home, or supporting each other from the comfort of your own spaces? Take your time thinking about this since we’ve been preconditioned to think that committed relationships involve living together.

Additionally, consider your respective lifestyles. If you both work similar hours and share similar routines but still want to feel like you have autonomy in your life, LAT might be beneficial. Conversely, couples with conflicting schedules and lifestyles will likely suffer from this setup since they’re already spending more time apart. In that case, they’d benefit more from living together.

Relationship Expert and author of I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage, Allison Raskin, explained on The Everygirl Podcast that more and more couples are reimagining their own relationship dynamics and putting a modern-day twist on theirs. “Different people like different things,” she said. “There might be marriages where people live in different cities or sleep in different beds.” And guess what? That’s OK. When it comes down to it, only you and your partner know what’s right for your relationship. Whether that means living apart together or sharing a home is nobody’s business but yours.