Integration of my latest MDMA journey has been going properly and conserving me busier than I anticipated. It truly looks like I’m nonetheless going via that journey. I sense that the energies concerned knew that I’d have two weeks to myself with Rachelle out of city (she’s visiting household in Canada and returns tonight), in order that they invited me to have an prolonged solo expertise. I’d stored my schedule very open throughout these two weeks, so I really feel that on some degree I stated sure to that invitation.
I haven’t taken any substances since a microdose of mushrooms on the sixteenth, choosing an extended break, however that hasn’t mattered a lot as a result of I’ve remained open energetically. I might clearly see what I wanted to do to proceed – heaps and plenty of further releasing.
Right here’s a few of what I did by way of releasing and purging throughout the previous two weeks:
- Purging Awards – I threw away outdated trophies and awards going all the way in which again to 1979 (tutorial and scholarship awards, contest trophies and medals, Toastmasters awards, pc sport enterprise awards, ASP Corridor of Fame award, and so on).
- Shredding Previous Speeches – I shredded printed copies of many elderly speeches, speech contest notes, podcast notes, and so on.
- Shredding Challenge Notes – I shredded outdated undertaking design notes and index playing cards from beforehand printed programs like DAI and Submersion, my guide, outdated unfinished initiatives, and so on. I had constructed up an archive of undertaking notes, as if to show to myself how onerous and the way creatively I labored on them.
- Releasing Toastmasters – I purged outdated Toastmasters and Nationwide Audio system Affiliation paperwork, manuals, certificates, sources, and so on. All had been shredded or recycled. This included some further awards too like my Toastmaster of the 12 months and Spark Plug of the 12 months trophies.
- Releasing Martial Arts – I shredded my martial arts certificates that confirmed my belt ranks (Tae Kwon Do, Shaolin Kempo).
- Releasing Earlier Workshops – I went via my submitting cupboard and shredded and recycled a lot of outdated vitality, together with notes, handouts, and different paperwork from all earlier workshops. I scanned and digitally archived what I needed to maintain, so I might purge the bodily copies. This emptied a complete drawer from my submitting cupboard. I feel I’ll finally do away with that submitting cupboard too. I’m not going to wish 4 drawers value of paper recordsdata going ahead.
- Releasing Outdated Garments – I put aside some outdated garments for donation. Some that had been actually beat up went into the trash, together with a threadbare school T-shirt from the Recreation Builders Convention. The final time I spoke on the GDC was in March 2004. Why did I hold all of it this time? It stored me linked to my outdated id as a sport developer.
- Releasing Thank You Letters – I shredded my whole file folder stuffed with thank-you playing cards and letters that I’ve acquired through the years. I’m glad to have helped, however I don’t must hold these bodily tokens anymore.
- Releasing Progress Logs – I shredded many elderly paper progress logs and time logs that I’d been conserving for the reason that Nineteen Nineties, monitoring what I ate, how I used my time, once I slept, and so on.
- Releasing Assessments – I shredded some psychological assessments, together with a printed and sure one from Winslow Analysis that informed me all about my character in 1992. I even shredded the covers.
- Releasing Outdated Accomplishments – I shredded printouts of outdated software program packages and graphical printouts (principally fractal photos) that I created in highschool. These had been treasured gadgets from the Eighties that I stored in a folder within the storage. Then I shredded the folder that contained them.
- Releasing Information Clips – I shredded outdated information clippings that I used to be quoted in.
- Releasing TLC – It’s time for me to maneuver on from the Transformational Management Council (which is mostly a trip membership and a co-validation co-op). I left the TLC WhatsApp group a number of days in the past, and I’m not going to resume my membership for 2024 and past. I used to be additionally internet hosting month-to-month TLC Zoom calls, and I’m dropping these too (not going to complete out the 12 months); some other member who desires to host them can take over. I’ve been a TLC member for 9 years out of the final 15. I like lots of the individuals I’ve met via TLC, however the group itself isn’t proper for me. Letting it go is slightly unhappy however so mandatory. As I processed the unhappiness, I additionally discovered loads of anger developing. I can see that I’ve been repressing my emotions over TLC being so dedicated to the shallow finish of the pool of its potential. Once I’ve challenged that facet, I’ve gotten sturdy pushback from those that need to hold it as it’s. The unstated reality about TLC is that it’s actually not what its identify suggests. Some members don’t even meet the acknowledged {qualifications} for membership (even when we use a reasonably imaginative definition of transformational chief); they had been voted in by their buddies who needed them within the membership. What actually drove the nail on this coffin although was when my greater self requested me, “Do you suppose I’d be in TLC?” The reply was apparent: Fuck no! There’s simply no hiding from the reality right here. It’s time to let this go and transfer on. I picked up my Golden Bike Gang coin that acquired I throughout my second TLC assembly, withdrew my vitality from it, and tossed it within the trash.
- Purging Pc Recordsdata – I deleted a lot of outdated pc recordsdata, particularly these representing outdated objectives, plans, and pursuits. My recordsdata are fairly well-organized, however there’s loads extra to purge, so I’ll hold engaged on that within the weeks forward.
- Releasing Outdated Tech – Rachelle and I each upgraded to Apple Watch 9 and iPhone 15 Professional, so we’ll recycle our outdated fashions quickly. Our iPhone 11 Professionals had been nice, however after 4 years it looks like a great time for a refresh.
- Releasing Outdated Enterprise Docs – I shredded a bunch of outdated paperwork from my pc video games enterprise that I had in a field within the storage (principally outdated contracts which have lengthy since expired). Why had I been conserving these? I feel that additionally certified as a document of previous accomplishments – all these licensing offers I had signed.
- Releasing Books – I dumped some outdated books, together with some I’ve by no means learn. I simply sensed they had been stuffed with bullshit.
- Releasing Different Muddle – I dumped numerous odds and ends. Why did I even settle for a Chase Financial institution mug as a “free present” once I opened a brand new account? Do I would like banking vitality in my kitchen? Do I like how banking vitality impacts my espresso or tea? Nope!
- Releasing Furnishings – I cleared out a two-drawer submitting cupboard and drove it over to an area nonprofit that might put it to good use. I’ve some extra furnishings to declutter, so I intend to donate another gadgets later this 12 months. I like discovering new houses for these things the place I sense they’ll be welcomed and appreciated. I’d particularly prefer to donate my desk that I’ve been utilizing for the previous 10 years. This looks like a great time to ask and welcome a brand new desk that’s a greater match for my greater self. I envision a desk with a thick picket floor that’s irregular across the edges – one thing that feels very stable but isn’t so rectangular.
- Releasing Outdated Blocks – I did a lot of inner purging and releasing of outdated thought patterns, filters, and blocks. At the least 5 instances throughout these two weeks, I received up in the course of the night time to do additional internal processing for an hour or two, after which I went again to sleep. Every time I felt some outdated patterns or feelings come up that needed to maneuver via me and out of me, I did my finest to deal with them instantly, whatever the time.
I didn’t comply with any plan or process for this course of. I merely went from one type of releasing to the following as my instinct advised. No matter got here to thoughts, I did my finest to deal with it instantly. However I might additionally see some prospects being queued up for later as a result of I wasn’t able to cope with them but. Typically I jumped round from space to space whereas different instances I targeted on one facet for a lot of hours and even days at a stretch. Shredding all of the paper paperwork took the longest.
Releasing Validation
Lots of gadgets that I launched shaped a scaffolding of validation and previous accomplishments that I don’t want anymore. I want to launch these attachments, so I can really feel freer. These gadgets anchored me to an older imaginative and prescient of myself. So for me it is a strategy of emptying my cup. I need to be extra open and receptive to what’s developing subsequent, and I can inform it’s not going to suit inside my outdated sense of self.
That is additionally a strategy of aligning my life extra strongly with my greater self. My greater self doesn’t want any validation or proof of id. By his requirements my previous human accomplishments are all trivial anyway, so there’s actually no level in conserving them as reference experiences. The scaffolding that when served me on my path of progress might truly block me from accessing extra of the chance area going ahead, so it’s time to let that go. Even when the partitions are adorned properly, they nonetheless create a bounding field of expectations, and I don’t want that anymore.
I discovered it very fascinating to watch that as I used to be releasing possessions, even these I thought to be prizes, I used to be truly releasing blocks.
I particularly launched something I might discover that represented competitors since I’ve no want to compete with anybody or to outline myself that approach. That’s one more reason the trophies needed to go. Yesterday my greater self additionally requested me, “Do you suppose I ever care about competing with people?” Ha… one other apparent no.
I stored a handful of things that I nonetheless felt some resonance with and that didn’t really feel limiting to me, comparable to my L.A. Marathon finishers medal. To me that wasn’t actually aggressive since I wasn’t going to win anyway. I shredded my race certificates however opted to maintain the medal as a memento of that day.
What I wanted to launch wasn’t a lot concerning the merchandise however somewhat about what it represented to me and why I’d been conserving it. I did my finest to be very sincere. There was no level in making an attempt to trick my greater self. He’s been very affected person in giving me the processing and reflection time I wanted to make all of those choices. I knew there was no must rush, however I additionally needed to maneuver via this whereas I had a lot devoted alone time.
Why a lot shredding? It felt intuitively proper to shred a lot of the a lot of the paper gadgets as a approach to launch my attachment to them and to liberate any trapped vitality. I do want I’d gotten a heavy responsibility shredder as an alternative of the comparatively gentle responsibility one I’ve. I should have overheated it about 20 instances throughout this course of. 
That wasn’t so unhealthy although because it made me decelerate and be extra reflective. Typically I preferred seeing the overheat gentle go on since then it was an invite to take a break. This course of was bodily straightforward however emotionally intense at instances. With each merchandise I shredded or launched, it was like I used to be saying goodbye to part of my previous. Typically it felt like I used to be going via a life evaluation. Take a look at all these experiences I’ve had. Now let all of them go! As you may in all probability think about, tears had been a part of it too. It usually felt like I used to be saying goodbye to who I used to be, so I can clear area for what desires to return via subsequent. I don’t have good readability about what that subsequent appears to be like like, however I do know the outdated self has to maneuver out of the way in which first.
Releasing Blocks
Lots of such a processing that I’ve been doing includes releasing blocks and filters that I now not want. Most of my bodily decluttering course of was of an identical nature. I had already carried out some main decluttering a couple of years in the past, so the gadgets that I launched didn’t really feel like apparent litter. However I might see that they had been all anchoring me to sure frequency ranges – these during which I’ve already realized to function properly comparable to writing, talking, and inventive work. And now that my perceptual vary is opening up much more, I must chill out my grip on what I assumed I knew about myself. I must return to the area of risk and suppleness.
This has not been straightforward emotionally. I usually had random bursts of emotion come via me throughout this time, comparable to disappointment, remorse, anger, sorrow, concern, nervousness, nervousness, and extra. My greater self usually stated that I used to be going via this part pretty rapidly and that I might decelerate if I needed. However I needed to maintain shifting via it, taking breaks once I wanted them after which diving again into the thick of it. There’s part of me that is aware of how essential it’s to maintain going. Even when it was intense, that didn’t make me need to cease or hand over.
I’m feeling lighter for having carried out this not less than. All of these bodily gadgets occupied area in my vitality matrix, so now that vitality is being freed up.
It was additionally useful to learn to de-link my vitality from these gadgets earlier than releasing them, so I didn’t really feel like I used to be shredding or dumping a invaluable a part of myself. I’ll share extra about how to do this on the upcoming Energy of Spirit calls on October 7 and eight, as I discussed close to the tip of my earlier publish.
Now I really feel that half is lastly winding down, however I’m not carried out but. I’ll proceed with it at a slower tempo via the 4th quarter. Our theme in Aware Development Membership for that quarter is Releasing, so that matches very properly.
For this upcoming quarter I intend to proceed this course of with a digital cleanup too, together with reviewing and purging unneeded recordsdata and apps from my laptop computer and unneeded apps from my cellphone and watch. Most of my recordsdata are fairly well-organized, and I’ve loads of space for storing, however there are loads of outdated docs that could possibly be purged.
Now I additionally perceive why I stored saying “let all of it go” throughout my main mushroom journey in July. That was a preview of what was to return. I feel I used to be doing a spirit-level negotiation again then that set me on this path. Once I was prepared for the MDMA expertise, the shroomie vitality coordinated the introduction.
Don’t Panic!
Throughout one night time final week, I had bother falling asleep as a result of I started to really feel very panicky. I had the thought that if I’m doing all of this processing and releasing and letting go of a lot that had beforehand outlined my human life, does that imply I’m about to die quickly? Am I going via some form of pre-death ritual to organize myself for crossing over? I began having intense ideas and emotions that if I went to sleep that night time, I may not get up within the morning, not less than not in my human physique. I stayed in mattress awake for about an hour questioning, What if tonight is it? What if that is my final night time right here? Might that be why I’m doing all this releasing? Am I on the point of cross over? Oh no… it looks like this could possibly be true. How can I enable myself to sleep now?
I checked in with the shroomie vitality that’s at all times current within the background. It assured me that I wasn’t going to die anytime quickly. I checked in with my greater self – identical reply. However I couldn’t shake these emotions. I requested for clarification on what was happening, and my greater self stated, “Why don’t you go downstairs and we’ll do some processing collectively? It’s not such as you’re going to sleep anyway.” I agreed. That appeared like a greater choice than mendacity in mattress feeling panicky about dying that night time.
It was slightly earlier than midnight. I went downstairs, lit a candle, placed on some delicate music (Enya I feel), and went again into processing mode, very similar to throughout a psychedelic journey. What got here up was that this was a elementary concern of demise that was surfacing as a result of it was able to be launched. I requested how lengthy it could take, and my greater self stated it might take a number of periods however that we must make good progress in an hour or two after which I ought to have the ability to sleep. I assumed, I can do this. Although I used to be drained and nonetheless a bit confused, it appeared like a good value to pay to launch some concern of demise.
It felt scarier to do that at night time at midnight, however I felt that this was an essential a part of it. I leaned on my belief in these energies as a result of they’ve by no means let me down.
As I processed this concern, felt it shifting via me, and talked via it with my greater self, I famous how one inner block or concern is usually linked with others. Once I begin releasing one, it could usually carry up others like an enormous spider net. Together with this concern of demise got here the concern of loss, comparable to dropping Rachelle or her dropping me. Then after that I surfaced and felt a lot of particular demise fears comparable to concern of falling, drowning, being shot, burning to demise, freezing to demise, being crushed, dying of a coronary heart assault, and so many different methods to die. My greater self famous that many of those fears are put in in us earlier than we incarnate – they serve the aim of serving to us keep rooted to our our bodies and never escape again to spirit when the going will get robust. I’ve been studying that even essentially the most troublesome points of human life serve a spirit-level function.
Even the Spirit of Ayahuasca participated on this course of (despite the fact that I didn’t take any), serving to me to know my very first night time with it in November 2019. That was the scariest expertise of my life as a result of I turned paralyzed pretty early into the expertise. For some time I couldn’t transfer my physique in any respect despite the fact that I used to be awake. I assumed I would die as a result of I used to be so fearful my lungs would turn out to be paralyzed too. I started to panic and hyperventilate, wanting to make sure that I stored respiration it doesn’t matter what. I didn’t need my respiration to decelerate since then I assumed I would cease respiration fully and wouldn’t have a subsequent breath. I’d cross away silently, and nobody would even discover until it was too late.
The Spirit of Ayahuasca lastly revealed that it gave me that have to assist me face my best concern and best potential block concerning psychedelics and plant medicines. It needed to point out me that very first night time that it was absolutely able to killing me if it needed to. And that was certainly a really convincing demonstration of its energy. I knew that if it needed me useless, I might have certainly died that night time. I felt fully powerless, unable to regulate my very own physique. My ideas and feelings felt uncontrolled as properly. I even referred to as out for assist a number of instances once I was in a position to vocalize, and nobody got here to help me. I assumed I used to be being fairly loud, figuring that the shaman and/or helpers should certainly have the ability to hear me. Finally one of many helpers did come by, but it surely was a lot later within the course of once I was now not so paralyzed. I now perceive that the Spirit of Aya blocked them from serving to me as a result of it wanted me to remain within the expertise.
The Spirit of Aya confirmed me that it had the ability to kill me, and it didn’t kill me, so I might have the ability to obliterate that potential belief difficulty up entrance. I needed to study that I might belief it to not kill me, and the easiest way to beat that concern was to face it head-on. I went again for 3 extra rounds of aya on the next three nights, truly much less fearful than earlier than. I requested it to be gentler on my physique, and it was. I’ve since realized that even when these energies are onerous on me, it’s at all times with a loving and supportive function. It’s actually fascinating working with energies which can be highly effective sufficient to kill whereas additionally trusting that they aren’t going to make use of their energy in that approach. That basically takes belief to a complete new degree.
This impacts my general relationship with actuality too. I do know that it has the ability to kill me any time it desires to, and I might be powerless to cease it. I may see that it’s selecting to not kill me. I’m starting to understand that demise is much less random than I had beforehand thought. I’m even being proven that I can have some say in once I die and that if I need to keep right here for lots longer, I’ve permission to take action.
I do know I’ve extra work to do alongside these strains, together with with the Spirit of Loss of life itself. I can see that I’m regularly studying to belief even demise, particularly my very own future demise. It nonetheless appears very intense once I take a look at it, however I feel I can rework that relationship as I hold dealing with it and welcoming beforehand suppressed emotions to floor and to show me what information they’ve been carrying. I used to really feel a lot trepidation in direction of psychedelics too, however now I can take a look at them as trusted buddies and spirit energies, they usually aren’t so scary anymore. Concern has reworked into awe, reverence, and even playful partnership. I feel I can do the identical with demise as properly – finally – however it’s going to take a bit extra time.
Unblocking Spirit-Stage Communication Pathways
Within the meantime I’ve been wide-open psychically for a lot of weeks now as properly. Outdated buddies who’ve crossed over have been visiting me extra days than not, sharing updates on how they’re doing and instructing me extra about how the afterlife works. Even individuals I didn’t know personally however felt a connection too have been coming via loud and clear. For example, I channeled a really enjoyable and energetic dialog with Hitchhikers Information to the Galaxy creator Douglas Adams for greater than an hour. He handed away at age 49 in 2001. He shared so many additional particulars concerning the afterlife and his books that I wasn’t conscious of, like how the falling whale was an analogy for incarnating as a human (the whale now not being within the ocean of spirit). He additionally defined that there are lots of books with hidden religious messages that folks will really feel drawn to learn after they’re prepared, and people books received’t be discovered within the spirituality part.
One such guide that I’ve been guided to learn throughout this time – I’m about 1/3 of the way in which via it – is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I’ve lengthy considered studying that guide for some cause and at last picked up a replica at an area bookstore. I wouldn’t even have gone to that bookstore if not for following the recommendation of one other deceased one who nudged Rachelle and me to go. I’m going via the guide very slowly, discovering myself reflecting deeply on sure strains that come out as uncommon to me, comparable to this line that I learn final night time: The mere presence of the concept was an irresistible proof of the actual fact. That line may be very holographic, suggesting that concepts manifest their very own proof. The guide begins with a sequence of 4 letters from a person on an expedition to the North Pole (looking for true north), and he has to interrupt via loads of ice alongside the way in which (eradicating blocks). This guide is eerily related to what I’ve been going via these days. Probably the most apparent hyperlinks is that it’s a narrative about inspecting demise, discovering its secrets and techniques, and discovering life on the opposite aspect of demise. It’s additionally a warning about how some blocks and filters are supposed to stay in place and shouldn’t be bypassed earlier than we’re prepared. I don’t suggest that you simply randomly learn this guide too because it will not be related for you, however I invite you to pay additional consideration to these books that hold popping into your thoughts the place you are feeling an internal nudging to learn them however you don’t know why.
I had beforehand developed this skill to tune in to spirit energies, together with guides and deceased individuals, over a interval of a few years, beginning in 1994. You could recall that I used to be beforehand in a relationship with a psychic medium for 15 years (married for 11). For a lot of my life, I used to be very immersed in that area. For some time Erin and I hosted religious meetups at our home. However after Erin and I separated in 2009, I largely allowed that facet of my life to go dormant, solely utilizing it sometimes and selectively. Not like Erin who went professional along with her abilities, I at all times stored mine on the non-public aspect, principally hidden from public view besides on uncommon events. I used it in numerous methods within the background although, comparable to to make extra intuitively aligned choices.
It’s been revealed to me that my latest psychedelic journeying has constructed out new psychological pathways. A kind of new pathways now hyperlinks my intuitive abilities with my writing and communication abilities. Each ability units are very properly developed, however they usually don’t discuss to one another a lot. One ability set was personal, the opposite public. With most of my writing, I’ve primarily tuned in to psychological frequencies to collect concepts. I’m good at sensing what points could also be high of thoughts for different individuals and the way I is likely to be of help. Most of my writing has been basically channeled from this frequency vary. Once I’m tuned in, the method of writing is pleasurable for me and principally easy as a result of I enable these energies to move via me proper onto the display. Then I mix them with examples and tales to make them simpler to know.
However now I can see {that a} a lot wider vary is opening up and that I’ll be pulling in info from these different frequencies and sharing much more about them within the years forward. A technique of it’s that the psychedelics have rewired my mind to create a lot stronger hyperlinks between totally different areas that beforehand remained principally separate. Psychedelics are well-known to have such results on the mind, but it surely’s fairly fascinating to be experiencing this from the within. Alternatively I might say that the psychedelics linked up totally different areas of my vitality matrix. Nonetheless I body it, it’s clear that there’s loads of spirit-level vitality prepared and in a position to move into my communication pathways. Beforehand that was a bit blocked from occurring, however now it feels very unblocked and open.
That’s all properly and good for me. This October 1st will likely be my 19-year anniversary of beginning my weblog. I’ve like to hold going, however I’d additionally like to delve into contemporary frequency ranges for the reason that psychological vary is feeling too predictable to me. There’s solely a lot I can share about human-level subjects with out feeling like I’m simply rehashing what I’ve already shared. What’s accessible to share on the spirit aspect is so extremely huge by comparability, and I’m choosing up loads of data that’s totally different from what I anticipated.
If I needed to label my new position, I would name it being a bridge to spirit. I’ve pulled in a lot data already that I really feel there’s an enormous backlog to share, and there’s no approach I might sustain with it as a result of extra retains flowing via every day. What I’ve had time to share on my weblog and in CGC is simply a small fraction of it. So I’ll should be selective. I like the concept of doing deeper shares by way of Zoom, like on the upcoming Energy of Spirit name, so I can information individuals via experiences and practices that I’m studying. I particularly like that no perception is required – simply an openness to discover and check concepts for oneself. Let every thought present its personal proof, as Frankenstein suggests.
