Seaside photographs are beginning to litter my feed. Mothers of their big-brimmed hats chasing toddlers with the sandy-bums into the waves. Children constructing sand castles, physique browsing, and consuming sliced watermelon on miniature seashore chairs. It seems fairly, stylish, and enjoyable. The solar, the sand, #saltwater. God, it seems magical. And I wanna be part of it — I actually do. However the issue is that I really don’t. As a result of I’ve a really unpopular and lame opinion that I’m not happy with, and that’s that the seashore sucks.
I stay in New England, the place the seashore season is brief. I stay comparatively near the seashore so you’ll suppose it might be my factor. And perhaps it’s as a result of I’m neurotic. I imply, that’s positively a part of it! However I simply discover the entire expertise to be massively unenjoyable, particularly as a mother. However earlier than you write me off, hear me out.
First there’s the packing. With 4 children, I virtually want a U-Haul to suit all my seashore requirements. We’ve acquired towels, hats, sunscreen, additional garments, goggles, umbrellas, chairs, coolers, and a tent. I appear like I’m transferring in for christ’s sake. Usually we have now to park an honest hike away, leaving me to pull the whole lot throughout a heat-soaked parking zone and mainly finishing a Powerful Mudder simply getting myself and the children on the seashore with out dropping something or anybody.
After which there’s the sand, which if I’m being sincere is likely to be my largest downside.
IT. GETS. EVERYWHERE.
On my ft, in my lunch, on my water bottle, in my bag. I’ve to battle the urge to dash off the seashore and to the closest bathe to rid myself and all my issues of those teeny, tiny granulated rock the second I arrive. I can’t even comprehend the individuals who willingly sit immediately down onto it, moist bottomed. Or the children who get buried. No, no, I might reasonably go have a simultaneous pap smear and root canal.
My setup sometimes consists of two elevated seashore chairs and youngsters towels positioned in entrance of me. Every of my chairs has a hard-top cooler on both aspect, performing like slightly desk and making certain that none of my meals, drink, or different stuff want ever contact the bottom.
As soon as we have now settled in we gotta lather ourselves in goo. Have you learnt what number of instances that you must reapply sunscreen for a day on the seashore to keep away from a sunburn? Near one million, I feel. Even then, I mess it up and one way or the other one in all my children finally ends up with additional rosey shoulders showcasing my negligence for all to see. However even fast and simple functions result in sticky palms — which carry me again to, you guessed it — the sand. Who’s okay with rubbing gritty sunscreen throughout themselves and having the residue left on their palms?! Apparently lots of people. It blows my thoughts.
And the way about all the security hazards? I would like no matter everybody on the seashore is taking that permits them to sit down calmly whereas their kids wander round an immensely crowded place and swim in a large physique of wavy open water with unknown residing issues swimming and crawling beneath. Possibly it’s as a result of my highschool boyfriend’s household watched Jaws on repeat for the three years we dated, however I can’t cease picturing my kids as ocean predator lunch.
I’m going within the water for precisely the period of time that it takes me to pee; truthfully, most likely rather less. It sometimes ends with slightly working down my leg and a fast slash as a result of even if you happen to satisfied me I wasn’t going to get eaten, it’s nonetheless freezing as f*ck. Sadly, for me, there’s not sufficient Ativan in my arsenal to offer me any seashore chill.
So, there it’s, my unhappy, annoying, and really uncool summer time fact. In fact, it doesn’t imply you received’t catch me on the seashore a number of instances, as a result of my children adore it, and so they make the foundations, in spite of everything. So I shall be there — head on a swivel, sunblock pre-applied, sitting carefully to a lifeguard chair, sporting a pair of socks. Simply kidding. Though perhaps that’s not a foul thought…
Samm is an ex-lawyer and mother of 4 who swears rather a lot. Discover her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.